Welcome to the Jungle
Weather: Gorgeous, 70°F (21°C)
“In the jungle, the mighty jungle, Frogwing sleeps tonight…”
Cue my backup singers…
“Oh-weem oh-whip. Oh-weem oh-whip. Oh-weem oh-whip. Oh-weem oh-whip…”
It’s early morning on Ton-Up Hill, and the manor grounds are in a sorry state. My old gardener has recently retired, I am told, to the confines of the local penitentiary. Our economic outlook is dire. My domestic accountant tells me that we can’t even afford the going rate for illegal aliens, since they have gotten so uppity of late. So I’m afraid this wretched landscaping duty falls to me. What has become of my American Dream?
Well, I’ll tell you… My neighbors are some of the nicest people you ever want to meet. Surrounding my home, which I call Ton-Up Manor, are the houses of hard-working middle-class folks. Classic American petit-bourgeousie. They all have immaculate lawns, because when they are not slaving away for some soulless corporation, they are at home tending to their grass and gardens.
Yes, my neighbors are all very nice people; but when it comes to landscaping, they are raving fascists, every one. (Well, except for Coleman and Josie, who live right behind us. There is an exception to every rule, after all. Besides, they actually read this stuff sometimes.)
So my neighbors take their evening walks, notebooks in hand. When they walk past my house, they invariably stop, and begin scribbling. Soon, an official warning arrives in my mailbox, from the City of West Saint Paul, PACE (Pro-Active Code Enforcement) program. They have an anonymous 1-800-SNITCH line for reporting municipal code violations, aka revenue enhancement opportunities, to the city council.
The warning will usually say something like, “Your grass has exceeded six inches in length, and/or you have Noxious Weeds growing in your yard.” – Both of which are Heinous Crimes indeed. These are punishable by Serious Fines, and if left uncorrected, will result in the Municipal Landscape S.W.A.T. team descending on your lawn, rapelling from helicopters in full battle dress, to correct the situation.
It is an outrageously expensive operation, I am told, and it results in an equally outrageous lein against your property. Not to mention the continued harrassment from The Authorities, until you finally surrender and Comply to the Will of your Community.
If you have seen the movie, “The World’s Fastest Indian”, you will understand me when I say that I subscribe to the Burt Munro school of landscaping. In the movie, his neighbors kept nagging him to cut his lawn. Before he left for Bonneville, Burt doused his waist-high grass with gasoline, and set the whole lot on fire. Were I to practice this in my neighborhood, however, I would be hunted down like a rabid hyena and end up joining my former gardener in the gulag.
So, what is a poor, rebellious land-owner to do? At seven thirty in the a.m. on this fine Saturday morning, I fired up the motorized machete, and proceded to massacre the grasses, and decapitate the dandelions. I wanted my treacherous neighbors to feel my pain, if only for a moment. This had to be done quickly, however, because Frogwing and I have a date with the Doohickeys. I will tell you about that later.
May 6th, 2006 at 10:10 am
Well, ever since i made that stupid song up about rain, and how nice it is here, we have been getting rain, rain, and more rain. Not that we didn’t need it, but man, I think I’m getting punished. I mowed our jungle last night between periods of rain.
jim
May 6th, 2006 at 10:24 am
I guess this wouldn’t be a good time to flaunt my state of lawn/garden freedom or my complete freedom to ride at anytime…..
*snigger*
May 6th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
This will probably embarrass the hell out of me, but here goes. I’m totally lucky to have a mate like Katie who recognizes, accepts, and sometimes shares my addiction to two wheels. We’ve worked out a deal now that the kids are moved out. Katie mows the lawn and works on the flower beds. I help with the big heavy stuff like major mods once in a while. Katie works 10 to 2 at the school and has summers off. She enjoys being outside and doing the gardening.
I help in the house during hours when I’m not riding or blogging. Yes, I do dishes and laundry. During these times Katie likes to study or do things like this needlepoint project she’s working on. Usually dark evenings and early mornings. It works for us. Still a partnership but we both find fulfillment in what we enjoy.
Dan
May 6th, 2006 at 3:53 pm
Do what I did. Buy a Husqvarna lawnmower.
May 6th, 2006 at 5:10 pm
irondad- sounds perfect to me!
My lawn seems to have developed an aversion to growing this year. I tried to mow it last week and kicked-up a serious challenger to the dust storms of the Great Plains. My neighbor, covered in fresh-mowed dirt wasn’t too happy with me! Can’t win I guess…
Gary (and anyone elso who might be interested in rising stamp prices) I don’t know if you go back to previous posts after you’ve started a new thread, but I had a mini-rant on the price of stamps and 800-lb government gorrillas under “First Thursday in May”…
P.S.- Ducati is a devil in Red (love to ride one, not buy- comfort-factor) and Amy is an Angel in green.
May 6th, 2006 at 8:50 pm
From the top…
Jim, get some good riding gear. Problem solved.
Snigger all you want, Mad. Big brother is watching over there, even more than over here. I’m sure it is only a matter of time before the constable catches you in some deviant behaviour on camera. Beware, my friend…
Buster, have you ever seen the movie “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”? Every time I see or hear Husqvarna, I flash back to that mad Portugese photographer, describing the Mint 400 race to Hunter Thompson in the elevator. “HusqVARNa!” -he says, eyes wide as platters.
Yes, I think I need one of those.
Bro Shagg, Yes, I replied to your post in the previous post. That is to say, the post before the one before this one.
-And that was a photo of Emily, not Amy. Amy is my wife, Emily is my daughter. Amy rides a white scooter, and Emily just looks too cute doing anything at all. That is going to hurt us in years to come, I’m sure. But for now, it is great fun for her to see herself as “famous” on the blog-site.
Oh, Ducati… don’t get me started.
Ride well,
=gc=
May 6th, 2006 at 8:54 pm
You know what? My neighbors are your neighbors! Putting green lawns, fairway yards, the whole schmeer. But, not only did I mow the lawn out of guilt, but I went over to the next door greenskeeper and asked why he and his wife never rode their Yamaha Zuma scooters. Next thing ya know…zing, ding, ding, ding, down the street they went. They influence me, I influence them. We’re in harmony on West 6th Street tonight. Bill
May 6th, 2006 at 10:19 pm
Bill, that’s really cool. The same thing may be happening on my street, but it’s still too soon to tell.
We have a family across the road, with a matriarch previously mentioned in this very blog. She was out on the street tonight, with several relatives, watching some neighborhood disaster unfold with much flashing of lights and wailing of sirens.
It seems that a local youth crashed a mini-bike into a tree, and the police and ambulances responded as they are supposed to. I was coming back from my road trip to the KLR tech day, and then to Centuria, Wisconsin.
So we stood in the street together, as neighbors are wont to do in such stressful circumstances. We stared at the carnage, and talked about all of the things we had in common. Wow. Human beings are such a tribal species.
After awhile, I took my leave, to come home, make sure my family was alright, and to take care of this blog. Then I walked back across the street and honored my neighbor Deb’s invitation to enjoy the bonfire they had going in their backyard. We had a pleasant visit, and I learned that not all my neighbors are Landscape Nazis.
But we know that it only takes a vocal few to ruin things for everybody else. Right?
Ride well,
=gc=
May 7th, 2006 at 12:35 am
Hey Gary,
This is a little off-topic here, but a while back you brought up the idea you had applied for an editorship at cycle world. A couple of the regulars here also made some suggestions for other publications as well. I didn’t even think of it at the time, but there is a new magazine that came out this year which I subscribe to called Motorcycle Classics… http://www.motorcycleclassics.com/
I’ve been pretty impressed with it so far. If you’re still looking around for other possible outlets for your writing expertise, maybe they could use some new talent. Not sure they’re even looking, but it’s a thought anyway.
Later,
EHL
May 7th, 2006 at 7:17 am
Gary, thanks for the suggestion, but I have good riding gear. I grew up in N.E. Iowa if that tells you anything. I was just trying to commiserate, what with the jungle in the back yard, and all.
Hope the kid on the mini-bike is ok. My brothers mini bike throttle stuck and he ran head on into a steel bin at wot. He didn’t get hurt, maybe some scratches and bruises at most.
jim
May 7th, 2006 at 9:04 am
Gary, My neighbors are the same about the lawn. Dowsing chemicals on the lawn monthly to ensure a beautiful green space to gaze upon is always interrupted by my weed bed. However I only feel safe having my kid crawling around my yard and my yard only.
Well I’m curious about the doohickey thing, being a KLR owner and all. How many miles do you have on Frogwing? I don’t have any problems yet with my KLR but do wonder why Kawasaki can’t upgrade that part deep within the engine, while they are at it why not put better brakes on it too. Ciao, Nick
May 7th, 2006 at 3:44 pm
Bah! You speak the truth Gary and as it happens my deviant behaviour (ie riding a motorbike) has already been caught on camera…
May 8th, 2006 at 6:37 am
My neighbor got busted for his mailbox location being “unsafe”. Seems it was too close to a tree? It had only been in that same spot some 25 years. And Zoning! Well, it use to be a free America…
Rubber Down
May 8th, 2006 at 7:54 am
[...] Inspired by Gary Charpentier’s post, Welcome to the Jungle, over at Rush Hour Rambling, I’m posting photos of my own backyard. I wish I could blog scents, because the air is heavy with lilac and honeysuckle rose. If it rains today, the scents will be diminished. This is probably my most favorite time of year in my backyard. And what a lovely backyard it is…. [...]
May 8th, 2006 at 7:55 am
Good post. Our son just mowed our lawn for the first time this season. The lilacs and honeysuckle rose are heavy in the air. I love this time of spring! I posted some photos of my yard, too.
May 8th, 2006 at 8:53 am
Gary,
Just got back from a ride to Las Vegas for a training session. Great trip of over 1200 miles RT. I like the photo, the juxtaposition of the lawn mower makes it look like your grass is about 3 feet tall and Frogwing has developed lawnmower handles out the back. This is what you should do, make a lawn mower attachement for the bike that way you can mow the lawn while you ride. You may even be able to work out a deal with the county to mow ditches along country roads on your ride. Just think of it, the dream MANY of us have of making a living riding a motorcycle!!!!!
May 8th, 2006 at 10:31 am
Hello folks…
It seems I’m getting behind here. I have about five minutes left of my “blunch break”, but I am going to do another entry tonight.
Minutes ago, I had written detailed responses to all of your latest comments, but then lost what I had written when I clicked over to “Katie’s Beer” to look at the photos. This program doesn’t save your text until you submit the comment, apparently.
I’ll try again tonight, and then we will talk a little bit about the KLR doohickey. Then I will tell you about my ride to Centuria, Wisconsin…
Ride well,
=gc=
May 8th, 2006 at 12:18 pm
Ah yes, the joys of homeownership! Isn’t it funny how the best times to mow the yard (note: yard ≠grass) somwhow seem to be the best times to ride. Luckily, all of my immediate neighbors are on about the same page as us when it comes to yard maintanence. It’s actually my wife that makes me partake of that menial labor most of the time
The First Thursday looked great. I really need to get to out local moto hangout and partake in the atmosphere.
On an unrelated note, my son (4) is now on 2 (not including training) wheels. It’s all a part of my insidious plan HAHAHAHAHA!
Rob
May 8th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
Okay, home now. Let’s tackle these from the top, as always…
Eric, I’ve checked out Motorcycle Classics. It’s a very nice presentation of some interesting subject matter. I wish them luck. Maybe I will send them a query letter, when I get some time to mess around with old bikes again.
Jim, I haven’t heard anything more about our local mini-bike daredevil. I’ll let you all know as soon as I do.
Nick, my entry tonight is about the KLR/Doohickey thing. I’ve got 38,000 miles on Frogwing right now, but I changed out my doohickey at about 5K miles.
Mad, that sounds intriguing… Was it GATSO that got you, or something else entirely? Hmmm, do you think maybe it’s time to update your blog? Just a thought…
SGP, yeah, it USED to be. Freedom has become just another commodity in this country… kind of like Politics and Justice: You get what you pay for.
TK, or do I call you Katie? Saw your pictures during lunch. Looks like a typical, “lived-in” American yard. Why isn’t that acceptable to suburban Americans these days?
But no, we have to sanitize everything! Your yard must look like a fairway, and you must use chemicals to banish all indiginous vegetation. If you defy the city council, they will just steal your property under Eminent Domain, and sell it for a profit to some developer. I ask you again: Whatever happened to the American Dream?
Dick, you may be onto something. I’m just afraid that, as soon as I start doing that, someone will show up with a crew of illegal immigrants, and underbid me by half!
Rob, First Thursday is very cool, though I find it overwhelming during the peak of the season. Too much of a good thing, perhaps? Tell your son I’m proud of him!
Ride well,
=gc=
May 10th, 2006 at 5:06 pm
If there was a Royal Society for the Protection of Blogs they’d have had me in court for Blog Abuse long ago. I am ashamed to say that I am a blog neglecter…
I promise I’ll put something up soon.
As for the deviant behaviour I haven’t blogged about my experience due to a weird superstition that if I talk about what happened then the full weight of the law will crash down upon me. I’ll just say this: I was pinged by a mobile camera van – not a Gatso BUT I wasn’t speeding. If had been speeding I would have taken my lumps like a man…
Ok I will elaborate slightly. It was last summer, I’d only been out of hospital for a week or two, I had crutches strapped to my back and I was really scared to be back on the road. You can see why I maintain I was under the posted limit?
May 10th, 2006 at 6:30 pm
Even more intriguing. I can’t wait to read the whole story…
Soon?
Ride well,
=gc=